


Holding on

by thousand_miles



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 17:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16141598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousand_miles/pseuds/thousand_miles
Summary: She was on edge. Everything about her screamed it. She was trying her best to hide it and probably succeeded in it with most people. But her team, they could all see it. She was struggling to keep it together, to stay strong. He kept his distance knowing she wouldn’t appreciate his hovering or anybody else’s for that matter





	Holding on

**Author's Note:**

> Another ship that I’m discovering way to late. I got into this ship because of some post on my tumblr timeline. Then I started to read fanfics(and there are many great Barson fanfics) and got hooked and I hadn’t even started watching the show. But then I started to watch and I find Rafael Barba utterly fascinating. And don’t even get me started on the suits. I love the slow development of their partnership turning into a friendship. I’ve only seen S14 and the first eps of S15. And it was that first ep of S15 that made me realize I needed a moment between Barba and Benson. By now they’d started on a tentative friendship, at least that’s how I saw it but the end of S14. So I wanted him to be there, to acknowledge what happened and to let her know he was there. Plus she was struggling so much, I needed that to be dealt with by someone else than her therapist. 
> 
> So I hope as a first fic in this fandom, this isn’t too bad.

She was on edge. Everything about her screamed it. She was trying her best to hide it and probably succeeded in it with most people. But her team, they could all see it. She was struggling to keep it together, to stay strong. He kept his distance knowing she wouldn’t appreciate his hovering or anybody else’s for that matter. 

Over the last couple of months they’d developed a partnership. She pushed his buttons, challenged him, but he was up to the challenge. He admired her for her skills and her experience. He found her beautiful and fierce. He wanted to know more about her though she wasn’t very forthcoming with personal information. They had their moments sharing coffee while walking to the court house. He’d started to share tiny bits of himself with her, something he didn’t do easily, thinking she might be willing to share too and she had. A tentative friendship had begun to develop, one he cherished. 

Then, she’d been taken away from them. He blamed himself for being unable to get Lewis convicted. He guessed he wasn’t the only one who was dealing with feelings of guilt. There hadn’t been much he could do while her team searched for her. So he had watched it all unfold from a distance. When they’d found her, he’d kept his distance too. Her team and Cassidy were more important to her. He doubted she wanted the attention and seeing her now he knew he was right. This was the first case since her attack and she was trying hard to convince herself she was up to the task. Standing next to her, next to the car, he’d seen her eyes darting from him to the press and back to him again. She was nervous, fighting the urge to run and only holding it together for the young boy. He hadn’t called her out on it, knowing it would get him nowhere and even more so would make her fight or flight and he wanted neither. His soft welcome back had been sincere but completely lost on her. 

Still he’d waited for her, waited for the car to drive the young boy to the station, waited for the press to move away and for the other police officers to move back to the house.

Standing alone on the side walk, Benson was ready to make her way to her car, but he stopped her. “Detective.” He said.

“Barba.”  

It was a warning, one he heard all too well, but one he was going to ignore. She was on the defensive.

“Detective.” He said once more, just as softly.

“Don’t.” She stopped walking and refused to turn around. “Just don’t.”

Her whole posture was tense and he didn’t want her to run but he also didn’t want her to leave like this. “Don’t want?” 

“Don’t look at me like that.” 

He didn’t give her a chance to say more. “Look at you like what?” He asked. “You’ve hardly looked at me at all.”

“I don’t have to see you to know how you’re looking at me.”

“Tell me.” He wondered if she would turn around eventually so he could indeed look at her. 

Her shoulders slumped. She wasn’t ready for this and what was even worse was his tone. Gentle, but without judgement, without pity and she didn’t know how to deal with that. She hadn’t seen him since they’d found her, but she was sure he’d been there, at a distance, but still there. Seeing him again was far from easy. In a way she’d begun to count on him, on his skills as a ADA to get justice for the victims, but also as her friend. However, feeling like she did, it was difficult to deal with her friend when she needed all her energy on keeping it together. It’s why she refused to turn around, to look at him.

“Tell me.” He prodded again when she kept silent. 

“You see a victim. You don’t see Detective Benson anymore. You just see a victim.” She spoke softly.

“Is that really what you think?” He wanted to step around her, make her look at him and tell her how wrong she was. But he didn’t, knowing it would be too much. So he kept standing behind her, talking to her back, hoping her words were getting through to you. “You can’t be more wrong.”

“No, I’m not. I see it in all of them, the other cops, the press. I see it in Cragen’s eyes, in Amanda’s, in Nick’s and even Finn and Brian. I can’t deal with that. I’m not a victim.”

He stopped himself from telling her that she was and that she was so much more than that. Instead he decided to focus on the latter. “Ignore the press, ignore the other cops. They don’t know you.” He paused for a moment to make sure she was listening to him. “You’re a survivor and that’s all I see when I look at you. That’s what the others see too. You don’t need to hide from us. That’s not a weakness. You’re the strongest woman I know. When I look at you all I see is your strength and determination.” He didn’t know if he was getting through to her. He reached out, but stopped mid air. “Don’t hide, Detective.” He nodded more to himself than to her. He stepped back from her. He’d said what he needed to say, hoping she had truly heard him. She needed space. “I’ll see you back at the precinct Detective.”


End file.
